For Loki
by SoulsandSwords
Summary: On Loki's twelfth birthday, Frigga gifted him with a journal to accompany his restless thoughts. Through out the years he documented but a few significant events in his life. Alone in his room only his journal knew how he felt.


_That's what it says on the cover. This journal is yours, only yours. I've always seen such thought in your eyes, Loki. So many thoughts. Why not right them down? Happy Birthday - Mother_

* * *

How thoughtful of my mother. To give me a gift that only my eyes may read. Only something I'll understand. This will give me something to do as I'm spending my days in my home, watching the hours slip by as the Asgardians admire each other's strength and tenacity. How superficial.

Strength only gets you so far, I try to explain to my brother, what happens when strength won't help you solve that riddle or decipher the language of another race? People don't understand the values of intellect here; no one understands how intelligence can easily replace physical strength.

Well, that's not enough to convince my dear dad that Thor just won't be fit to be King in about ten more years, give or take. How will he lead us with his arms stealing muscles from his brains? How can he plan any war tactics if Asgard came to that? I don't even want to think of what his choosing of a wife will be like, not that he has a hard time with the girls to begin with.

I don't even know how I came to belong in this family. Sometimes I wonder if my father's a proud of me as he claims. That's no bother for me at the moment anyway. I need to keep my thoughts focused on one thing at a time. I need to get this restless brain under control.

* * *

I've always been fond of a little mischief, I'll never deny it. Just the other day my brother challenged me to a fight. No, no physical injuries were performed, but some headaches were given. Just as we were outside in the play field, Thor asked me if I had any last words. I responded "Well no, but there are many questions I would like answered, such as how do we accept ourselves as "superior" when we don't know of the other species out there? Or how about why we were created? Are we born to give life a purpose or do we already have one?" I went on and on until my old fool of a brother slammed his hands over his ears and had a meltdown.

He called me the God of Annoyance. I'll admit one thing, though my brother is boisterous and cocky, he can also be a ball of fun.

* * *

Thor's birthday is today. Thirteen years old. We celebrated with a lavish feast and a load of presents. I myself couldn't find anything suitable enough for my brother, so I made him something. A speech.

Handwritten and signed by myself, all for his greatness. I'd re-write it here, but the paper itself is already in his hands. Here's my summary:

Thor, my brother, my friend.

Asgard's dearest treasure (And Asgard's spoiled prince)

I'll always be the one admiring you, envying you,

Always by your side, no matter what it seems.

When we fight, it's immediately put behind us.

When we laugh, the memories are eternal.

We can't deny that we look out for each other, despite we can't stand each other sometimes.

Despite my aloof demeanor, there's no one I'd want to be my brother, but you.

Wait a moment, I just re-wrote it! Well, an artist can't help but imitate their own best work.

* * *

It's been quite sometime since I've written in here. I found you underneath the desk collecting dust. Thank goodness I made it a priority to tidy up before mother's birthday celebration today. She always looks so regal and poised among her subjects, the absolute epitome of wisdom and grace. If I had to say what the first thing I remember was, as in the first thing I remember in my entire life, it would be seeing her motherly face gently smiling down at me, holding me delicately in her warmth.

Even my dreams know it. When I sleep, lately, I immediately dream of strange, blue creatures reaching for me with their clawed hands, only for then to vanish upon my mother's command. I wonder how she'll look tonight, she's been eager to wear the golden dress father conjured himself just for her. My father treats her just like a Queen. No laughs, please. I don't show too much interest in women, compared to my brother. Not yet, anyway, I don't know. I prefer the absence of people, I appreciate it very much.

I must only look out for myself and no one else. After all, if I'm not looking out for myself, then who will?

* * *

Today, while on a family picnic, Thor and I wandered off, where he told me to wait by the side. He quickly rushed behind a young lady, dark haired and fair skinned, distracted her for a moment with his grin, then swiped her pastrami sandwich from her paper plate. He rushed back over to me, laughing heartily and split a piece of our favorite sandwich meat. I laughed do hard I fell to my bottom.

I guess Thor and I have one moral in common; Food over Girls.

* * *

My father made the announcement today... When Thor comes of age, he will be crowned King among his subjects. Everyone applauded, all but I. I felt terrible guilt for not doing so, but there was some strange overpowering emotion that kept me from feeling too upset. I've always looked up to my older brother, everyone admired his strength and his looks, but I've always envied him too. And now look at him, my brother, with no intellectual or artistic talents would be getting even more than he deserved (what's changed?)

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise... Heaven knows that if I were King, I'd be agonizingly unpredictable and full of ideas. All for the good of the kingdom I reassure you. It's not all for my own amusement, it's my non-stop mind that gives me ideas. Even if I halt them temporarily I must do something about them, or else I'll never rest.

Cursed with this strange gift I was, if only the Asgardians would understand, if only my family would understand. If only _I_ understood.

* * *

I just woke from the strangest nightmare. The kingdom was being sucked into a malevolent wormhole, and I was clinging onto my brother' hand as tightly as I could. There was nothing to give myself leverage, my own physical prowess wouldn't allow me to pull myself back onto the remaining landscape. Just as my hand slipped and I dropped Thor into the void, I woke in a cold sweat.

I knew what it was, it was my lack of physical power that did my brother in. Any other Asgardian would have saved him, but not his own brother. I must learn something, find anything that suits my intellect and body type to defend my kingdom, especially when soon enough a loud, impulsive young man will be running the place.

But not now; the dream left me exhausted. Until then, back to sleep for me.

* * *

I found it! after months of searching, I discovered something. A book on alchemy and magic. I have a natural gift! At last, oh at last! I've never felt such euphoria. Maybe with these new arts Asgard will see my potential as one of them! I'll never have to worry about being weak ever again.

And Thor, wait until he sees my potential! He'll realize his little brother as his equal. Once I perfect this magic I'll show him, I'll show the entire family. This progress may take months. Years even. I better start now.

I bid this journal farewell, until then.

* * *

It's my fifteenth birthday today. It was the day, I told myself, to show my family what I could do. I didn't intend for all of Asgard to know. My parents had prepared an elaborate feast for the youngest son, apparently, and just as I said I had something to show them, my heart sank and I saw the faces of everyone who saw me as an outcast. I didn't know what to do, I smiled and sat down at the large table as my family gave speeches about his "growing young men."

I kept my mouth shut and my hands closed, energy surging though my veins; I'd been so excited to show everyone that my sudden emotional change caused my powers to jump about. I was afraid, afraid of an outburst. When the whole thing was over, I rushed back in here to hide.

What on earth was I thinking?! Expose my powers to the world... I've been selfish this past year... Holding it in was all too tiring, I need rest.

* * *

Monster, they shouted. It's only been a month since my last entry and already so much has changed. I really am what they think I am. It wasn't my fault, but it wasn't anyone's... I try to think not.

There was a kingdom meeting today, my brother and I were conversing, I can't even remember about what, my hands are still shaking from the fright, but our conversation turned into an argument. I remember now, it was about his coronation just a few years away. I told him that maybe he should be more humble yet courageous, like our father. He got so furious with me, claiming I "suggested" something about him.

He told me loud and brash was better than weak and cold like I was. I'd had enough; I turned away from Thor and went for the stairs, he said it was just like me to shut myself away again. I didn't mean to, but I swung my hand and out like firecrackers, bolts of blue shackles of ice swept from my hand, electricity coated the fractals that flew in all corners of the room.

The room went dead silent, I stood there in horror, not even thinking to act like I didn't know where it came from. Asgardians had powers, but none like what I had studied, it was only meant for the family to see, but they shouted, calling me one of those "blue creatures." They could've just said monster, or the devil himself. I have no one but myself to blame, but once my parents and brother discovered the truth, and believe me I am thankful, my father told the kingdom to think nothing of it and that I was recovering from a battle defending our kingdom from said giants...

I know that wasn't enough to convince them... I am what I am, mischievous, inferior, to all the Asgardians, including my own family, I bet. Life's been cheating me... No matter what I do, I'll never be known as Loki of Asgard, just that strange outcast and now monster.

...

If I really am a monster, then I may as well be good at it.


End file.
